Thursday, February 28, 2008

I Burn Out.

I burn out. It's what I do. When things get rough and stressful I tend to clam up and pretend there isn't a problem. It isn't healthy, I know. I'm working on it. But yeah, that'd be one reason why I haven't been online. I've been on my gmail religiously but I haven't been reading blogs nor have I been blogging. It's just how I deal. I did it last year when trouble started piling up. This led to very poor diabetes control and poor school work and half-hearted work. I don't know why I do it. When I'm doing well I can handle many stressors and I can get stuff done but you push me too hard and everything just gets shut off and I stop. I keep myself distracted and busy while accomplishing nothing. That doesn't work, now does it?

I've burnt out again but not nearly as bad as last time. A major difference between this time and last are my resources. I have been talking to others about what is going on rather than keeping it to myself. I have turned to my Heavenly Father for help. Between Him and my friends, I have found that I can lean on them briefly while I get my feet back underneath me.

So here I go, midterms out the yin-yang and a band concert tomorrow night. Wish me luck.

Tuesday, February 26, 2008

Don't Change It, Meme

I filled this out last Friday. I can't think of anything to blog about. It's been a crummy week and I don't feel like being a downer. So here's this. It's an email meme soo.... Yeah, it's a little iffy in places but it's still information.

Answer the questions and write the first thing that comes to your mind, don't change it.

1. You & your ex:

Are awkward at times but he still makes me laugh.

2. I am listening to:

Pandora, Specifically Prayer by Disturbed

3. Maybe I should:

sleep, catch up on email, actually write a blog post since I haven't since Sunday.

4. I love?

Music, Sweet Guy, My friends, My parents, brothers. Family in general, rain, Seattle, everyone and anyone

5. I don't understand:

Teenage boys

6. I have lost my respect for:

Health companies. Though I don't think they ever had my respect to begin with.

7. I last ate:

Chicken Cup Noodles

8. The meaning of my display name is:

It's my name, Jessica N. Pedersen. jnpedersen2. The 2 showed up because somebody already had jnpedersen when I was setting up my first email address. My other often used username is LuckyDruggie. This is the name of my blog and two of my nicknames. Lucky is from my roommates because they think I'm lucky to still be alive. Druggie is from high school because of the syringes I always carried and usually poked myself with. (sometimes I used them for other things lol)


1.Is your hair red like a punk white boy?

No, it's all natural, I'll never dye it.

2.Is your cell phone right by you?

It's in my pocket.

3. Do you miss someone?


4. Do you wear protection?

Uhh..... Don't need it yet. LOL
I wear a bike helmet.

5. Are you tired of gay people?

Not at all, my best friend is one of the best men I know.

6. Are you wearing a mullet?

No but I had a nasty one growing in December. I chopped it off so I wouldn't keep being called sir.

7. Are you mad?

Of course. I'm as mad as a hatter. I'm a Looney Diabetic. But seriously? I don't get mad easily.

8. Are you gay?

I'm goofy happy. But no, I'm pretty sure I like men.


1. Recently done anything you regret?

Yes, dagnabit. I need a little more self control.

2. Ever lied?



okay, I hope it tasted good.

4.Have you ever crapped on someone?

No, I can't say I have. Well, I guess I did when I was a baby but that's been a while.

5. Ever tripped out while you were on acid?:

No, I don't do drugs, but I've had some trips on my highs and lows. Those are always fun.


1. Have you cursed ?

No but yesterday was full of curses. Don't tell Sweet Guy, he'd be dissappointed. Let's just say I had a really bad day. I also figured why I started swearing. It wasn't college influence, it was reading ridiculous numbers from my glucose meter, that and shots. Man I hate those.

2. Have you gotten mad at someone?:

Not recently.


Q: Is there a person who is on your mind right now?

Take a wild guess. Yes of course there is, he's always on my mind.

Q: Do you have any siblings?

Oh yeah, gotta love being the oldest. Especially with little brothers.

Q: Do you want children?

Yes, I really want kids but I don't know if I'm brave enough. I'm scared I might not be able to keep tight enough BG control.

Q: Do you smile often?

Yes, I wear a smile quite often and I try my darndest to make sure those around me are at least smiling if not laughing.

Q: Do you untie your shoes every time you take them off?

Only my dress shoes. Tennis shoes just get toed off.

Q: Do you like your handwriting?

I HATE it. I can't even read it half the time.

Q: What were you doing at 7PM yesterday?

I was cursing. Cursing the snow, my meter, my class, my insulin pump, the whole stupid day. It was a bad day.

Q: I can't wait till:

I start making money again and find a job that offers good insurance.

Q: What would you rather be called?

Jess, Lucky, Druggie, Loony, Love (by Sweet Guy that is.)

Q: When did you cry last?

Yesterday. Things are a little overwhelming and it sucked as I've repeatedly said.

Q: Are you a friendly person?

Overly. I think I scare people at times.

Q. Do you have any pets?

Yes but they're at home :( As soon as I can, I'm getting myself a kitty to keep me company. Of course I'd need to live somewhere I can have said cat.

Okay, your turn if you read it and you have a blog, do the ones you want and tell me that you did so I can go read your blog.

Monday, February 18, 2008

Don't Forget The Paper.

Wow, it's been a week since my last published post. I have a couple that I haven't finished that are just sitting there. Well I've been busy. I'm going to do a few posts to catch up. So don't stop at this one. They're backdated so that they're in the order I want them.

I did my first thigh pump site. I had to sit there for like 20 minutes trying to convince myself to do it. For some odd reason, I thought it would hurt. Once I finally worked up the courage to do it, I put the infusion set (This link shows pictures) into the Quick-serter, put it where I wanted it and pressed the buttons to insert it. It stung a little but that wasn't the problem. I looked down at it, the cannula was in my leg but the infusion set wasn't sticking to my skin. I looked a little closer. I had forgotten to pull off the pieces of paper that cover the sticky glue on the patch. :Smacks forehead: I couldn't help but laughing at forgetting such an in important step. The cannula was in but there was no way in heck that I was going to be able to pull off the paper without pulling it out. So I pulled it out. (I had to put a dried out alcohol swab on the hole from the cannula because it was bleeding like no tomorrow.) I pulled the paper off and then put it back in the Quick-serter and chose a different spot. This one stuck.

I've been very happy with this site. It's very convenient because I can put my pump in jeans pocket or down in my dress sock. I like putting it down in my sock because then I don't have the tubing showing. The tubing doesn't get snagged on door handles or that ever grabby stove handle. It's also more accessible in my sock than if I put it in my bra. That's a nice alternative when I'm wearing a dress. The one thing that I don't like is the pump eventually slides down further into my sock or pops out the top due to the amount of walking I do. So while I'm walking I have to stop for a second and make sure it's secure again. Though, I imagine, if I had newer dress socks, they'd be a bit tighter, therefore, less slippage.

I really like this site and will be using my thigh much more often.

Sunday, February 17, 2008

Call For Research Volunteers

I took part in this research thing that was actually part of the reason why I began blogging. It doesn't take much time to do and they would really appreciate more volunteers. It's all done online so it's very easy. So this is what they asked me to post when I offered to blog about it:

Interested in research that might help the diabetes community? A dissertation is being conducted looking at the link between stress and diabetes management. For more information you can go to

Please help them out if you are interested in helping further diabetes research.

Saturday, February 16, 2008

I Hate Being Sick.

On Thursday I had definitely gotten sick from being out in that storm. I woke up feeling sore and my mouth felt like I had been chewing on cow manure flavored cotton balls all night, it was starch dry. When I checked my blood sugar, it was right where it should be but I suspect it had been bouncing around while I was sleeping. Luckily my 7:30am class was canceled that day so I had been able to sleep in until 10:30. I dragged myself out of bed and got ready for Karate. I think I probably should have sat out there because by the time I was done, I had a fever, my blood sugars were bouncing all over the place and I was so tired I was struggling to stay awake even while I was walking.

I went back to my apartment to get my books and saxophone for the rest of my classes. But I was feeling so awful I decided to stay there to watch blood sugars and catch a nap.

I emailed the rest of my teachers telling that I would be missing class and I explained to one teacher why. I only told her so she would understand why I was missing a quiz. She wrote back saying she completely understood and actually asked me to take it easy so I would get feeling better sooner. She is going to let me take the quiz at her office when I can find the time to get there. This was totally unexpected because she explicitly said, at the beginning of the semester, that she wouldn't allow anyone to make up missed quizzes.

Talking to my professors has really helped me in the past. Every one of them has always been willing to work with me. The only difficulty I find is actually telling them. I hate telling them I missed class or my assignment was late due to something diabetes caused or exacerbated. I hate giving reasons because it feels like I'm making excuses. But, I've found that sometimes I need to. Otherwise, my grades suffer when I'm too proud to admit that I need a little help.

Anyway, Sweet Guy got done with his classes and saw that I was online. He asked how I was and upon hearing how yuck I felt he grabbed his stuff and ran over to keep me company while we studied. So we got a little time together on Valentine's. I hate being sick but it's always nice when somebody comes to keep your mind off of it. ;)

Thursday, February 14, 2008

Our Valentine's

Valentine's was a spread out affair. Both Sweet Guy and I have really busy class and work schedules on Thursday's so we spent time together on Wednesday.

It started great.

We both have Creative Arts as our first class on Monday, Wednesday and Friday. The professor had the Women of Windham Hill come in and talk to us because we were going to their performance that night as part of the class. They played some of the most beautiful love songs I had heard all week. Isn't it great when a required class turns into a romantic affair? (Yes, I'm sappy, deal with it.)

Sweet Guy and I also share our last class together. Institute Choir. While we had been in Institute choir, the weather had gone from sunny and slightly chilly to the beginnings of a blizzard. After choir we dashed over to the TSC (it's the main building on campus) to grab some lunch. By the time we were done with lunch it was a full out blizzard, total white out conditions a with harsh wind and horizontal snow. The snow was drifting so deep the busses had to stop running so we had to walk to my apartment. This wouldn't have been so bad if I had been dressed appropriately for a blizzard. Since the weather had been so great that morning I was only wearing a jean jacket, a t-shirt and some slacks.

We ducked in and out of buildings on the way trying to stay somewhat warm. Since Sweet Guy's apartment is on the way to mine, we stopped there. When we stepped in we were plastered with about an inch of snow. We both looked like we had aged about fifty years due to amount of snow in our hair. After we de-iced and dried off a little, he dug into his closet and pulled out a warmer jacket for himself and his huge overcoat for me. After tossing that to me he also found two sets of gloves. The coat and the gloves were both rather large on me; I looked a like a kid who was playing dress up with dad's clothes. But they kept me warm.

It usually takes about 10 minutes to walk from his apartment to mine but it took us nearly half an hour. The wind just got worse as we got further away from the main campus and it's sheltering buildings. (Just an FYI, USU's campus sits at the mouth of two canyons so the winds can get pretty nasty.) Since the wind had gotten worse and we were walking straight into it, Sweet Guy turned so he was walking backwards in front of me, to give me some shelter from the raging snow.

We finally made it to my apartment more than just a little soaked. We watched Underworld (love that movie) on the big wide screen downstairs and generally enjoyed each other's company. :) After watching that we went back to his apartment to get his ticket for the performance and then jumped on the city bus to get down to the theatre. Two minutes into our ride, my roommate called and said the performance had been canceled due to closed roads. So we jumped off at the next stop and he took me to the Junction for dinner. It's an all you can eat buffet style place right next to his apartment. I like going there because the salads you can make are amazing and it's pretty easy to eat half way decent, unlike the rest of the food available on campus.

Since our plans for the night had been canceled we headed up to one of his friend's apartments and watched RENT. During the middle of the movie, Sweet Guy noticed I was a little off and asked me to test. I was at 59 mg/dl. I didn't even notice it, I was too busy with the movie and talking with everyone. I'm not even sure how he picked up on it. Anyway he had a cookie stashed in his pocket from dinner that he'd grabbed just in case.

After the movie we walked home and then chatted online for the rest of the night.

It ended great.

It may not seem like a ton but that was my favorite Valentine's day to date.

Sunday, February 10, 2008


On Friday I went on a rather eventful and embarrassing date. Last semester my student ward of my church had a charity auction. All of the money was going toward Toys for Tots or something like that. All of the students offered up services and everyone bid. Some offered math tutoring, some offered a free grocery run while many others offered dates. I had bid on a date and won. I had nearly forgotten about it until last Sunday. The guy I had bid on finally asked me on the owed date. I accepted. Sweet Guy had a dance that he was going to that night anyway. He had been asked to said dance before we met. So it worked for both of us.

Promptly at six he knocked on my door and we headed down to his car. He asked if I would like to go to one of the more authentic Mexican restaurants here in Logan. Of course, I did. I love Mexican food. We chatted while we were waiting for our food. Just some of the most random stuff. When we finally got our dinner I immediately pulled out my meter and did a quick test. While doing the test I briefly glanced up to see how he reacted to it. He was a bit interested but he obviously knew what I was doing. I quickly estimated the carbs in the meals and then put everything into my pump.

"So you've got diabetes?" He asked once I was done.

"Yeah, I've had it for a bit over a year now."

"Alright, let me know if you need anything."

Then we just moved on. He didn't make a big deal of it and he didn't pry as to what my blood sugar was. He didn't immediately make a scene about whether the food was ok for me to eat. We just talked about our love/hate (mostly hate) relationship with Windows Vista, where he went on his mission, and the crazy things that happen when you are a college student.

After we were done he said that he had planned going to a movie too. I just needed to choose which one to watch. I chose Cloverfield. Big mistake on my part. I didn't realize how much camera movement there was. I'm not good with that much camera movement. About 10 minutes into the movie I was starting to get the sweats and my stomach was doing flip-flops. I checked my blood sugar oddly hoping that it was a low rather than my stomach sending signs that it wanted to heave. 110 mg/dl. Nope, not that. So I hunkered down and avoided looking at the screen but still trying to get the story by listening to it.

From what I've been told, it's a great movie. I couldn't tell you though because I missed more than half of it. I was able to fight the feeling for another 15 minutes but then I had to get up. I tried to leave quietly but as soon as I was out of sight I ran for the bathroom . I had to stop at a garbage can on the way there because I felt like I was not going to make it, and I didn't.

I immediately felt better but then I remembered that I had taken like 5 units of insulin for the dinner that no longer occupied my stomach. Crap!! I ate what sugar I had on me and then tested. I was at 95 mg/dl. I had no idea how much of the food I had eaten had actually been absorbed so I knew I was going to be in for a ride later.

I crept back into the theatre seriously embarrassed. I was able to catch another fifteen minutes before I started feeling queasy again. I pulled my baseball cap down and just stared at that for the last 10 minutes of the movie. When the movie was over, we went out to the foyer and he asked how I was doing. I admitted that I was feeling a bit shaky but I had already eaten all of my sugar. Before I could get it myself, he immediately bought me a $3.00 Mt. Dew (it was the smallest they offered and it was still more than I needed.). I felt so bad about that. Not only had I missed most of the movie, lost all of my dinner but I had ended up incurring another cost just because of my diabetes.

"Here drink this down."

"Thanks, I'm sorry about that, I had forgotten how camera movement affected me."

"Oh don't worry about it, just make sure you don't go low." He watched me with a close eye.

"So what's your experience with diabetes?" I asked after taking a few long pulls of Dew.

"Oh, my grandpa has diabetes, he's taught me a bit about it."

Go Grandpa!

When we got back to my apartment he walked up to my door with me and asked me how I was feeling one more time, just to be sure. Then he headed to his apartment building.

I sat in the mid 70s for a few hours but nothing too drastic.

While I was incredibly embarrassed about getting sick in the first place and then having a low, I never felt uncomfortable about it. I could tell that he knew what was going on and I was impressed with the way he dealt with everything. He didn't over react and he knew what I meant when I said I a bit shaky.

Maybe all of the education and advocating that we do is doing something. Maybe people are slowly starting to distinguish fact from fiction. Maybe all the teaching and myth dispelling I do is actually helping.

As I've learned in my class on disabilities. Biological conditions are not usually the main cause for a handicap, it's the way society around us handles the disability. With acceptance and understanding, maybe, someday, diabetes will not be such a source of shame. Maybe someday we won't be handicapped by society's assumption that we can't do everything another person with a healthy pancreas could do. I want to be able to tell a potential employer that I have diabetes and not be asked how often I'm going to be sick and unable to come to work.

This is what I hope for and will fight for.

Thursday, February 7, 2008


The longer I have diabetes the more I see the amazing support that those around me give me.

Knowing that my parents are concerned with my health is boosting but irritating at times. I love the encouragement but I don't want or need to be chewed out on about my care. I do the guilt trips quite well enough on my own. Being a worrier though, I worry that their knowing my crazy numbers will cause them undue stress.

My dad mentioned the fact that my mom looks at my online blood sugar log. This simple statement brought up a few feelings. I felt a little apprehensive, I really don't want to cause her worry because my sugars aren't always perfect but the reminder of how much she cares caused such a wonderful feeling of love.

My dad's almost religious reading of my blog is so great I can't begin to say how much it means to me. It always makes me smile when he asks when I might update next. His eagerness is so encouraging.

Knowing that my best friend, Malchik, has taken the time to learn along side me about diabetes and now knows almost more than I do is amazing. I feel so much support and amazement when I start complaining about something that is giving me trouble and he can almost totally understand and can give me some sound advice.

The fact that my boyfriend, Sweet Guy, listens and asks questions about my diabetes so he can better understand is wonderful and warming. His attitude is that it's my diabetes, not that the diabetes is me. It's just another piece of me, just like a toe or hand. He loves it all the same.

I'm always amazed by my cousin's listening ear. I know that diabetes news is incredibly boring to her yet she just listens. Sometimes I get really excited about something new that I just learned about diabetes and need someone to talk to about it. She just lets me spout off how exciting it is. This is just what I need sometimes.

My Awesome Aunt's listening ear is great too. I talk a lot so I need more than one person to talk to so I don't wear people out. Although, I have yet to see Awesome Aunt's ear wear thin. It's always there and ready to listen to my latest bit of drama. Then, not only does she listen but also she gives advice to deal with it. Just Awesome.

I'm always grateful that my roommates will listen and stop what they're doing to help me with a low. This gives me such a sense of security. This is incredible. All I have to do is say I'm low and they immediately ask what they can do to help and then will sit with me until I come back. I'm immensely grateful to have such amazing friends and roommates.

All of my family and friends concern can be a bit wearing at times but that I can go to them and know I'll be given the support I need is such a blessing. Thank you.

Tuesday, February 5, 2008

Sweet Guy Lows and Drowning in Frozen Water.

Remember how I was being paranoid about going low while on a date with Sweet Guy? Well not only have I been getting low on dates but I have been going low any time I'm around Sweet Guy, even just chatting with him online. I haven't been having lows any other time, just with him

Although I have been having them when I first wake up. My fasting numbers have been hanging around the mid 60s. A bit irritating. I'm working on dropping my basal in the morning. I've got an appointment with my CDE to look over that. Anyway, back to the subject at hand.

Most of the time, I've been sitting in the 90s but when Sweet Guy and I start chatting I'll start to get that really lightheaded feeling so I grab my meter and I can count on it to be in the 50s. My lowest around him has been 42. I barely even felt it. Just a little spacey feeling. I find it a bit embarrassing to have to pull out the candy and start munching but he doesn't mind at all. He actually said he's going to start carrying candy in his pocket for me. Man, he really is Sweet even if he seems to be my anti-sugar. (Where was this guy when I couldn't keep my numbers below 250.) Now my question is why? Why does it keep dropping like this? If anyone has the slightest guess, please toss it my way.

Well onto the rest of the post title. It WON'T STOP SNOWING HERE. I know we need the moisture because of the drought we've been in but come on! We had a bit of a break in the constant snow today but I've been told there's another nasty blizzard coming in tonight. And will school be canceled? Never. We will be walking in the snow up to our knees and the school still doesn't close.

Seriously, you know there's too much snow when you see the snowplow fish tail as it clears the intersection.

Saturday, February 2, 2008

Free Write Rant

This post is just free writing. This is what my mind sounds like everyday. I know it doesn't make any sense but I'm posting it anyway. Feel free to ignore it if you want. If you feel like answering a question or throwing your own questions in I'd love to hear it. Though I highly doubt anyone is going to get much sense out of this post.

You know, I keep reading about how diabetes is on the up rise. Everybody and their dog are getting it. It's causing costs beyond reason. Costing as much as the war we are waging. I've just recently read that it's death rate is rising rather than dropping. How can this be happening? With the amount of awareness we are always trying to throw out there shouldn't people be better able to take care of themselves? I wonder if the death rate we're seeing is of the people who have had diabetes for so long. They had it before there was access to all the wonderful technology. I just don't understand how we are still having so many deaths. I know diabetes is VERY hard to deal with at times but I don't know a single diabetic that doesn't try to take care of themselves. Even if they do have their bouts of burnout they still worry about their health. They do try. Are there really people out there with diabetes that just ignore it. That allow it to ravage their body, willingly? I have burned out before. I didn't want to take care of it and ignored it for a while but I got back into the game. Even when I was ignoring my care I still worried about my health. I did the bare necessities to keep going. Are people nuts? Do they want to die or do they just get into such a downward spiral that they can't see anyway back out? They don't see the point anymore. I've fought depression. It was nasty. I just don't get it. I don't see how anyone could give up so much that it causes their death. It just doesn't make sense. I can totally understand giving up for a short time. Causing short term damage but to just not try at all to the point of killing yourself doesn't make sense. Unless you are suicidal. But still, even then that wouldn't be a very economical way to kill yourself. People that are suicidal usually believe that if they kill their self then they are making the world a better place. A diabetic death is long and costly. It hurts those around you. They hurt seeing you not taking care of yourself. So what is it that is killing diabetics. Is it poor health care? The fact that many can't take of themselves properly? Their insurance tells them that because they are Type 2 they don't need to monitor their blood sugar. Is this causing the death? Is it misinformed or older doctors saying that Type 2 isn't that bad? Is it doctors ignoring their patients worries and brushing them off as nothing? Could it be the patient? I know that now more than ever people are very aware of their health. Yet there are those that choose to ignore the warnings that their body is yelling at them. They deny that anything could be wrong with how they choose to live. I know there are people that get Type 2 diabetes that are in great shape. It doesn't always have to do with being overweight and not eating well. But these people aren't the ones that are dying off. They are the ones I know that are taking care of their diabetes. It's the ones that have such an apathetic view on life that confound me. How could you not care about your health? How could you ignore the doctor that was actually paying attention? The doctor that is telling you how to live a happier life. A longer life. This is the only way I can see that the deaths are increasing. This is the only way I can the diagnosis increasing. People just don't listen anymore. They don't care. They think, "That will never happen to me." Last statistic I read said that this century, 1 in 3 will be diagnosed with diabetes. More than likely than not, it will happen to you. I just don't get it. I understand periods of being unable to care but whole lifetimes? I don't get that. Why? Why would a person choose to be unhealthy for a lifetime? Why choose death over life?

Well there's a small moment of my ADHD mind. Imagine all those questions but they're all on top of each other. And with them are a dozen other subjects bouncing around. And all the subjects want the same amount of attention. Maybe that'll help you understand why my posts are sometimes very unfocused. I have a difficult staying on one topic at a time.

The Sussy Has Arrived.

I was so excited when I finally saw that pink slip in my mail box that said I had a package. I eagerly took the slip to the main desk and got my box. I hurried up to my apartment and sat it down on the kitchen table while I looked for a knife. As soon as I had that knife, I attacked the box with vigor.

Inside I found some Orville Redenbacher's popcorn. Score!! Sugar Free cream filled cupcakes. Only 18g carbs for two. That is so cool. I really need to track down where to find these. They taste great. (Yes, they're already gone and highly enjoyed.) I also found a CD: Frank Sinatra, The Memorial Album. Double Score! I love all music and I'm so happy to be able to add this to my collection. I don't have anything like it and it's a nice change from my usual alternative rock. The last thing I found is my favorite thing. It was the book, Cheating Destiny. I have been wanting to read this book for a while now. So I'm gonna go back to my lack of posting and enjoy my new music and new book.