Sunday, July 29, 2012

Officially just a lurker

I do still run around the blogosphere but I certainly don't ever publish anything I ever write. I've got like 20 posts unpublished.

This past year has been troubled by watching friends become diabetic. I recently lost a good friend to diabetes. She was one of the first to listen and help me come to terms with being diabetic. Damn diabetes.

I've decided to become a nurse. I just can't stand to watch yet another friend let out of the hospital so unprepared for what lies ahead of them. Too many friends and some day friends who are being and will be hurt by diabetes. I have to do something. Nursing is where I think I can have the most impact. Wish me luck.

To update from the last post forever ago, my pump is long paid off. I'm thinking I may go Animas when I need to replace this one. The integration with the Dexcom catches my attention. Along with many of it's features. But I can't deny that Medtronic has always been reliable. The whole, if it ain't broke, don't fix it. ~shrug~ We'll see when I cross that bridge.

I do love diabetes networking. I want to be the person people turn to or recommend when they need diabetic advice. I want to be there for them. Someone who understands. There's something about knowing that someone actually gets and has felt how you feel. Diabetes makes you feel in such a way that just can't be described and understood well except by someone who's been there, done that.

I want to see endocrinologists in Logan. If, by the time I can, someone hasn't started a clinic, I will work in every way I can to get one here in Logan. I have so many ideas but I just have to trudge through schooling and waiting before I can do much. So I'll just keep moving forward and helping who I find along the way.

I wish I could say I'm peachy keen on diabetes lately, but I'm not. It's kicking my trash. Last quarter was great, I felt on top of it all. Then my A1c came back and just wasn't quite what I wanted. I've been trying for two years to get back under 7.0%. I thought I'd gotten it. But I missed by a mere 0.2%. For some reason, that just felt like a slap in the face for all my hard work (I had less lows, less highs, and did serious work on retweaking basals as needed, I felt like I had never done better in all my five years). I'm in search of that golden 6.5% and it seems I just can't get there. I want that number so that I'll feel safe trying to start a family. But whatever. I'll just keep working at it.

This quarter, I started a second job. My husband and I are both working two jobs now. Both putting in 60 hours a week. Along with our weekly social commitments it's been exhausting. It's been a little over three months and I feel like I may finally be getting on top. But my blood sugars have really suffered along the way. Between the stress, the lack of time for cooking good meals and the lack of rest, it's been hard. Along with the fact that three of my bottles of insulin got fried and didn't work consistently. Ugh, it's been hard.

Can I just bitch right now how much the cost of diabetes pisses me right off!? If I weren't diabetic, we'd be buying a house right now. Sitting quite comfortably paying extra down on our mortgage each month and putting away a cushy savings. But all the costs of diabetes eat 80% what extra income we get from our second jobs. So instead of piling cash like most couples who work four jobs can do, we pay all our bills, my medical expenses and save a very small amount on the side. Making it feel like we'll never be able to get into a house. Just freaking pisses me off. My diabetes is stealing from me and my family. I get so mad that my illness holds us back like this. Zane always tells me it's worth it, he'll always want my health over anything else but for some reason, saying that just doesn't ease the anger.

If I don't repost in over two years again, feel free to come find me on Facebook. I'll just be trudging along. Usually in much higher spirits than this post finds me today. Thanks for reading.

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