Friday, August 17, 2012

My Friends are Better Diabetics...

I had a disturbing realization last night while grocery shopping, that my friends have gotten better at the eating like a diabetic than me. I've told them how to walk the walk, talk the talk and then I just stopped doing it. This shames me because they all go out of their way to accommodate me, spend a little extra on dinner when I'm over and are very mindful of my needing to eat low carb.

I want to be excellent in my care of my blood sugars, an example to help others and here I'm dragging bottom on taking care of myself. I'm eating crap because it's cheap. Noodles, potatoes, poptarts. Telling myself I have no other way, that I work too much to spend time cooking good food and doing it affordably. I hate how much diabetes costs to do it right, the time and money. So I decided I'll just deal with the consequences, I'll be tired, I'll feel gross. Then, at least, I won't feel I'm using more than my share of our resources. I tell myself, I'll just go after high blood sugars and pull them right down. Except, it doesn't work that way. The more I do it, the worse I feel. It stacks. The up and downs wear out my body. It wears out my work ethic. Too tired to do this, too tired to do that. The house slips, I'm not doing my jobs as well as I should, I'm freaking moody and taking it out on my poor husband. It affects my relationship. It just keeps piling. I go through these runs of burn out. A lot. I'm currently trying to get the 'you-can-do-it' steam going again. I just don't know how some people do it. Some weeks, all I feel capable of doing is making myself keep my pump on, replacing the site when the insulin stops absorbing enough. Check a blood sugar here and there. Pump in insulin to bring down yet another high blood sugar.

This is all just miserable on the physical side. All of my muscles ache and burn, my stomach aches, rumbles and burns. High blood sugars are just miserable. The lows suck too. It all sucks. -whine, whine, whine-

The doc looked at my blood sugars and was confused as to why I was upset with my lack of control. My A1c was 7.4% (8/13/12). He looked at my blood sugar charting. He kept saying it's not as good as we'd like but it's not terrible. He felt I had no reason to be chasing down other routes.... It felt pretty terrible the whole ride. It was painful, burning and nauseating. I'm just blugh.... and that's all I seem to be. I put up the chipper facade (it's not always a facade, I do very much enjoy my job) all day at work because customers don't need anything besides their soda.

I want to do better and I keep trying. It just doesn't feel like I've got any forward motion. I CAN do these 60 hour weeks but I'm starting to wonder if I should.

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