There are very few things I hate more than being out of control of myself. I'm very independent and hate depending on others for help. I hate being a burden to others. I want to help people, make their lives easier, not cause stress and worry.
Last night I had a persistent low while I was over at Sweet Guy's apartment. He was working on a report and I was sitting right next to him on the couch watching V for Vendetta with our other friends who were over. Towards the end of the movie I felt a low coming on. I had eaten some ice cream so I figured that I had miscalculated a little in my timing and that it would be coming back up. I was only at 74 so I just decided to wait it out. I had looked through my backpack real quick and I didn't have any sugar on me anyway. I had used my pop the day before and forgotten to put a new one in.
Slowly I noticed that I was going lower, it was becoming harder to understand what the guys were saying around me. They sounded like just a bunch of mushy sounds all around me. I had no problem focusing on the movie, though. This confuses me a little but anyway. I could feel a little bit of that 'low' floating feeling starting. I could also feel a few beads of sweat on my forehead and I was slightly trembling. I kept telling myself to grab my tester but I couldn't seem to do it. It took me 10 minutes to focus enough to grab it. I couldn't get my body to respond to what I was telling it to do. I finally was able to grab my meter which was sitting right next to me and clumsily test. I was having so much trouble sipping the blood into the test strip that my fingertip was bloody smear by the time I was done. But I was keeping it down below everyone's line of sight. I didn't want them to see I was struggling. Stupid, I know, I do weird things when I'm low.
I was at 57. I told myself that I needed to ask Sweet Guy for some sugar but I just couldn't get the words to form. I couldn't say that I needed help so I just sat there right in the middle of everyone sitting right next to Sweet Guy feeling so powerless. Things were feeling a bit more cloudy all I could understand around me was the stupid movie. (I loved the movie but this was frustrating.)
After another ten minutes I finally argued with my arm enough to get it to poke Sweet Guy. All I could get out was, "Do you have any sugar?" He immediately got up and found me some some sugary stuff but that didn't raise my blood sugar. So he sat me down, dug into his food cupboard and sat his whole canister of sugar in my lap and handed me a spoon with the command, "Eat."
I hate lows so much. I feel so powerless sometimes. Most of the time I have no problem saying I need some sugar or just grabbing some myself but sometimes these lows make my thinking so unclear and unreasonable.
Another reason I hate lows is that sometimes they make me emotional. Once I finally got Sweet Guy's attention, I just started tearing up. I couldn't get it to stop. It's frustrating and embarrassing. We were with two other friends. They are pretty good friends but they're not exactly my close friends. I have no problem teaching about diabetes but I'd rather not have those outside my close friends and family see my melt downs.
Lessons learned: It's okay to ask for help. Remember to refill your sugar silly.